Barney Miller Full Episode 2025 🐤🐤 Inquiry 🐤🐤 American Sitcom Series

Barney Miller Full Episode 2025 🐤🐤 Inquiry 🐤🐤 American Sitcom Series

uh doctor this is Captain Miller yeah we were wondering if there were um still waiting for the results all right how’s uh how’s Dupri no everybody here is fine how about Depri 105 wow convulsions huh hallucinating okay uh we’d appreciate word as soon as you get it huh okay thank you he’s hallucinating whoa whoa whoa that’s what happens with high fever you don’t hallucinate with chickenpox and that means he has small pox oh mother take it easy we don’t know what it is yet the one thing we know is we don’t need we don’t need mindless and baseless panic agreed all right you’re absolutely right we’re all going to die did I miss something got 105° fever and now now the guy’s Okay okay let’s settle down it’s getting late fish why don’t you take the cat over by the bathroom i’d appreciate it nick you okay over here yeah just fine this cap show we’ve got to find a place for you oh any place is fine i’m not particular why don’t you uh why don’t you take the couch in my office oh well if my friends could see me now anybody got an extra toothbrush roger why don’t you finish the floor plan as to who sleeps where oh hi B inspector it’s occurred to me that it probably would be better if Miss Capshaw slept on the couch in my office oh okay Bonnie i’ll take the cut just get humor there so your eyes are sketch thanks my pleasure nice kid Bonnie you know huh too bad went wrong somewhere down along the line nice hot to hot talk but just straighten her out about 2 a.m oh yeah thanks Nick this one looks a little scrunchy no you use it to clean the typewriters you better wash it out real good before you use it yeah well I guess it’s better than nothing okay uh Marty you you can keep this cot right here and uh Mr driscoll uh you can use that cot over there why uh why what why are we being put on opposite sides of the room uh well that’s just the way it worked out well it’s totally unacceptable there is no problem so there’s no problem barn i I just told Marty that he could sleep over there and Mr driscoll could sleep over there mojo let them be as comfortable as they can wherever they can there are guests thank you Barn uh it ain’t going to bother you it ain’t going to bother me ain’t going to bother me it’s going to bother me wojo it’s a temporary situation as soon as there are more conclusive results the hospital will call us in the meantime we have to put up with an uncomfortable circumstance yeah those guys those of us who have work to do will do it is that understood yes those of us with nothing to do will do nothing [Applause] hi how are you i work downstairs yeah I’m sorry name is Lev officer Carl Levit i work downstairs right i’m Harris i know that i see you guys every day when you walk right past me without saying hello coming up here to work can I uh do something for you le you got any more sandwiches hey man we kept 10 you guys had 170 some of the guys are still hungry they sent me up as spokesman sorry mind if I ask around good luck thanks so uh this is where all the detectives hang out i never been up here before because I am made detective too short i don’t mind a guy’s record his devotion to duty too short we’re cops not basketball players how you doing uh you got any food left uh no oh oh excuse me Captain Miller uhhuh levit officer Carl Levit what can I do for you Levit well the guys are kind of hungry downstairs sir well I’m afraid they’re going to have to make do till the morning yes sir oh I uh appreciate the chance to uh have an opportunity to talk to you at some time sir manto man certainly Lebert relating to career opportunities and prejudice contain their insight uh in a more opportune time right thank you sir what are you about 61 [Applause] yeah about what ah no reason 61 thanks anyway here my breath is smells like ink want to lick some stamps forget it this cut taken yeah you going to finish that who are you don’t forget you wouldn’t have anything left that you’re not going to eat huh sorry i only had one sandwich and I finished that some time ago excuse me how tall is he 6’3 and 3/4 see when you’re that tall they overlook anything some fix huh Fish yeah it’ll be all right you know it’s a funny thing Fish you You and I we we work together 8 hours a day all week long and then we never talk like a conversation you know that’s true see Fish this one’s really got me i mean uh you keep your body in shape you take vitamins eat the right foods and then some germ comes along and kills you yeah i mean I never used to think about that you know and then all of a sudden it it it hit me you can go anytime just like that you get a bullet in the back get hit by a truck maybe something just snaps inside your head you see why we don’t talk more often [Applause] [Music] you know I remember what my greatgrandfather said just before he died he said “Although one may conspire to delay the moment of one’s death.” Yeah that’s as far as it got [Applause] i don’t care how I go Bonnie long as I go fast you ain’t going to find Frankie Luger rotting away in some hospital hooked up to one of those machines that goes to the bathroom for you you know what I do in a case like that Bonnie very graphic quick and clean way a good cop should go foster went that way right remember blew him up in his car nothing left of him remember Kleiner have a Kleiner gun down over on 13th Street not a bad way to go Bonnie very nice oh hey but I wouldn’t want to go like old Broly though huh that vein blew out in his head here he is up in that nice nason home in Vermont laying there stretched out like a carrot spectre spect it’s late come on why don’t you try it okay buddy sorry buddy you know I I really love those guys buddy and what I think of you I’m talking wholesome stuff [Applause] nick what you doing uh nothing i walk in my sleep very fine pretty good coffee huh like for a little girl for little girls grow bigger every day [Music] [Laughter] i poor little guy grow up in the most delightful that disturbing no not at all i love music thanks thanks i just uh didn’t want to such a friend over there might be asleep and Oh I’m not asleep well good good i didn’t want you to doze off under the wrong impression i don’t know what you mean oh yes you do know what I mean back there before when I was talking about the three sweetest cop greatest cops that ever lived i saw the look you gave me when I said how much I love those guys but I meant that in a manto man way do you understand expression manto man very well well what I meant was that we each had love and affection for one another we were out there on the streets together fighting together we did it every day day after day we’re still doing it but you two you know you you have a different relationship hasn’t anybody ever pointed that out to you love and affection between two human beings is nothing to be ashamed of Inspector of course not but you two you’re carrying it too far don’t you understand it isn’t that much further oh so somebody was shooting up the mouth about the fact that I never got married got it i was married once well if you’re going to take that attitude [Applause] no no i don’t want to go to work not up there huh what’s that dirty messy get out of that bathroom man [Laughter] rotten coffee racing forms and lazy human relations lock all them crazy mothers up hey Marty give me that old psychology man compassionate turkey don’t we should you wake him up and then kill him uh royalties stocks bonds big gold bars oh god I want to be somebody [Laughter] [Applause] hello you all right yeah yeah yeah what is it nothing how come everybody’s up coincidence my mouth is all dry [Applause] probably from using it too much anybody call me fish while I was asleep regina I I don’t know oh uh go ahead no no no no no you go uh I can wait oh so can I thanks wow i think you know somebody no respect all right all right situation like this can bring out hidden resentments let’s not let a few subconscious mumblings poison the whole relationship fine sometimes I get pretty sick of that compassionate stuff myself no offense [Laughter] oh precis it’s uh Dr freeman doctor yeah captain Miller here what’s the verdict yes Doc you’ll get paid you’ll get paid come on what kind of pox was it chicken or little a small you’re You’re absolutely sure 100% chicken thank you doctor thank you okay we can all go home as soon as we get this place straightened up well Joe you better give him the word downstairs right all right big fish how’s it feel to know you’re just as healthy today as you were yesterday huh you’re vicious you know that uh Captain Miller goodbye i hope we haven’t caused too much trouble no no not at all Marty well would you say that I’ve been some help yeah you’ve been very cooperative and decent and honest and dependable yes Marty and would you tell that to the probation officer so I can go to California marty they probably won’t even listen to me they would if you got emotional about it marty I’ll do whatever I can that’s That’s not too compassionate for you guys what’s that mean inside joke goodbye everybody it was very nice being with all of you uh thanks for a coffee you’re very welcome uh what did you do to the coffee well it was nothing special it just takes a unique talent i was afraid it was something like that so long Inspector goodbye Inspector it was very nice talking to you likewise i trust I made myself perfectly clear perfectly excuse me is there a cat shaw pee up here i got a bell ticket that’s me well uh goodbye boys thanks for the use of the hall Captain you’ve really been very considerate good luck all we got was sandwiches [Laughter] so long Phil goodbye Miss Capshaw it’s really been wonderful being with you you’re terrific that’s pure speculation never have I spent so much time with so many for so little winston Churchill said that never met the man how are you baby yeah i’m sorry I had to wake you i tried to get a hold of you all last night uh did Cunningham explain to you why I couldn’t make it well did he tell you what kind of disease look it was chickenpox i swear it was a chickenpox it was Who’s that laughing is that cutting hand is that you cutting hand [Applause] go on home get yourself some sleep yeah kind of a rough night but uh got through it okay anyway and listen Wally I want you to know I don’t think any of the less of you and I hope you don’t think any less of me of course not why should I no reason no reason at all what okay see you around huh good luck fellas oh and listen i want you to know it was very nice being here but uh actually I would much rather have been with some cute little You know what I mean sure you do i little girl the uh fine fine you’re absolutely certain now we we don’t have small pox that’s what the hospital said it’s really a relief you know i mean I was right on top of that guy if anybody was going to get it it was going to be me strictly chickenpox chicken pucks all the way a childhood disease we’ve all had it i never did mhm sir the uh transfer notification and permanent file on Dorsy eric oh thank you from what I’ve been told he’s a excellent officer should make a fine addition to the squad will you uh be needing me for anything else sir uh no thank you i didn’t think so levit levit I do not make the final decision on assignments or promotions i did not request Dorsy well when an offer is made for additional vampire I’m not about to turn it down did I ask something well I I I know how long and hard you’ve worked for a a permanent assignment up here has kept me going sir there’s still a possibility oh look I I don’t know how long he’s going to be here anyway maybe he won’t even work out maybe he won’t fit in with the rest of the squad might turn out to be more of a hindrance than a help well let’s hope so sir you know I wasn’t going to sell this stuff it was all for my personal use date of birth october 13th 1955 you’re 25 years old yeah i don’t look it do I no you know we’re talking about a victimless crime here i mean if you cops would leave us alone we’d be fine you like being a junkie it’s not so bad i’m my own boss i make my own hours but you’re going to die so are you you got a smart answer for everything don’t you yeah so far we luck on his supply no he’s not talking what’s his name uh Edward Dvau mr dvau I’m Captain Miller how you doing you know Mr dvau suddenly there’s an awful lot of heroin out there in the streets and we were kind of wondering where it was coming from afghanistan mostly also Iran more specifically we were interested in where you were getting yours i already told him I can’t really tell you that you help us we’ll help you now you cooperate I can pretty much guarantee I can get you probation probably get you into a methodone clinic what for what for help you kick the habit why why there has never been a better time to be a junkie i’m telling you stuff is stronger now it’s cleaner and it’s cheaper too you know 5 years ago my habit was like $150 a day now it’s 75 bucks tops i mean dollar for dollar heroin is your best drug buy put him in a cage uh I can’t put him in the cage Mark why cuz I haven’t finished booking him yet but I’ll put him in there as soon as I’m through as soon as hi can I help you i’m Eric Dorsey I’m a cop oh yeah you’re uh How you doing i’m uh Ron Harris how do you do how are you ah Dorsey i’m Captain Miller sergeant Eric Dorsey my transfer paper thank you good to have you aboard yeah well uh it’s good to be aboard uh Sergeant Ron Harris oh wait all right uh Sergeant Arthur Dietrich no worry all right sergeant Stan Wowitz how you doing officer Carl Levit nice to meet you sure 11 will be uh up from time to time but now I’ll be going downs 11 takes a little getting used to doesn’t everyone telephone um yeah 12th precinct sergeant Harris is there some place I can store my gear oh sure uh there’s a locker room right around back uh why don’t you put your stuff back there and uh when you come back I’ll show you how things go around here yes sir uh Barn there’s a disturbance at a medical building over on 6th Avenue okay you indeed okay listen in case I forgot to say it I’m really glad to be working with you guys look forward to it and oh listen uh one more thing i don’t know who keeps the pad but uh I think I’ll just pass on it i beg your pardon hey no problem i know what it’s like trying to make ends meet on just a paycheck everybody picks up a little extra knickknack here and there which is okay with me but uh like I said I think I’ll just pass on it is that real leather yeah nice jacket well I’ll catch you guys later this coat on a nickn [Applause] [Music] wow I didn’t know I was in here that long yeah you’ve been in there 15 minutes you still got my stuff there it is i don’t get it back later do I like my wallet my keys no we keep that forever ah I see listen I got a little what if for you suppose I was to give you the name of the guy that I got the stuff from a really big name if I did this do you think maybe you could uh arrange for me to get some stuff say uh sometime in the next oh 5 minutes no okay forget it okay look I don’t have to stoop to your level you know i mean you cops are notoriously ungrateful oh so just forget getting any names out of me okay all right i’ll tell but only cuz you didn’t press how you doing okay oh yeah yeah i’m almost out of away sir yeah yeah come on in come on in Darcy look uh before we go any further I think there are a few things we ought to get clear i’m willing this squad does not keep a pad okay there are no payoffs no extras no nicknacks is that clear yes sir i don’t know why you assumed what you assumed and I don’t want to know long as you understand that this is a clean squad i appreciate you setting me straight and uh I don’t want to apologize if I offended anyone okay point is we work very closely around here and you can’t do that in an atmosphere of mistrust and suspicion very true so uh where were you before this the locker room sir the barn yeah uh excuse me but uh I got a name from Dvau oh good you must have softened him up anyway the crime bureau doesn’t know anything about him so I want to get a warrant go pick him up okay uh take some uniforms all right my mistake yeah so uh why don’t we go outside i’ll uh I’ll show you your desk let’s do that i’m right behind you somebody’s prior we’re going into the quiet room now what do we got here kenneth Prior disorderly conduct destruction of private property resisting arrest resisting arrest we’re entitled look I got to do something to stop them i mean there a bunch of sadists and Nazis over there over where we picked him up at a uh stop smoking clinic it’s the uh New York Institute for Smoking Modification Inc oh sure on the commercials they make it look so nice one day you’re smoking like a chimney next day you’re walking on the beach with your pants rolled up uh apparently uh Mr prior had gone to the clinic for treatment but subsequently took exception to their methods they’re Barbaric you know they stick these electrodes on your arm and every time you take a puff zap 30 volts perversion therapy popular method of behavior modification and while they’re doing that they got you in this room with ashtrays full of soggy stinking cigarette butts and blown up pictures of diseased cancerous lungs what kind of ashtrays was any of this done against your will Mr well you have no will after they get through with you i’m afraid we’re going to have to book you anyway i am so sick of non-smokers with their snotty looks and their their phony little coughs and their smug self-righteous attitudes oh tell me about it do you want to have a seat right here please hey hey you smoke yeah you uh you care for one yeah sure look I don’t smoke any of that low tom menthol junk i mean that’s for sissies here you go oh oh these are killers thank you is it always this hot in here i don’t know uh the the big guy was going to get me some stuff it’s part of our deal but he had to go out oh well he didn’t mention anything about it to me yeah well he told me to tell you mhm that a boy laugh it off i’m going to the men’s room take care of yourself like I said I’m sorry about before okay yeah well uh I’ll be in the restroom listen I know how you feel oh I mean I know what it’s like being a new guy oh yeah so don’t let it get to you huh i remember when they first transferred me over here i was the outsider had to deal with all their suspicion and resentment constantly being rebuffed and rejected being excluded from their private little jokes took me three months to get my own lousy desk you want this one hey forget about it it’s over it’s a shame Em because things just aren’t the way they used to be you know hey remember remember those gift cartons they used to come out with at Christmas you know with the holly and the bells and a picture of Santa lighting up remember those first thing I looked for under the tree inside any wardro yet no that coffee looks awful good how do you take it cream 12 sugars it’s jackpot time you got in the box there Le lunch for 2,000 junkies i ordered that soon we made entry to Mr king’s apartment we found this in a bedroom closet looks to be highra heroin wojo’s out trying to find Mr king how much is in there i counted 57 packets of approximately 1 ounce each well we’re talking a street value of over $2 million here i was never even here what is it with that guy anyway he does seem to have a rather low opinion of us i had a long talk with him thought I had him convinced but I don’t see why we should have to convince anybody that we’re not on the take maybe he ought to just be transferred out of here new man not working out sir i take care of that stuff love it certainly i’ll put it in locker yeah contact the narcotics task force and uh tell them we’ll keep him apprised yes sir i’ll be downstairs if things worsen do you happen to have a cigarette on you i don’t smoke i’ve been trying to cut down you don’t know how tough it is must be hell they told me to see a Captain Miller i’m Bill Adlesen New York Institute for Smokers Modification hi I’m Sergeant Ron Harris thank you for not smoking hello Mr prior keep your distance Nazi what happened was the voltage too high drop dead or maybe not high enough hey listen i’m Captain Miller nothing like this has ever happened before i’m sure it hasn’t i mean we certainly aren’t running some sort of medieval torture chamber no one is saying you are i am except Mr prior our program is designed to liberate people from the tyranny of their subconscious cravings fine and I’m living proof that it works did you know that at one time I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day weighed 250 lbs and was an alcoholic no but after counter conditioning treatments today I have absolutely no desire for a cigarette or alcohol or food congratulations now if you just follow Sergeant Harris he’ll have you sign a complaint right this way sergeant what you do in private is none of my business but when your smoke invades my breathing space then I have to ask you to stop when did you have time for EST do you still read well well on that i am not a crook exactly ah Dorsy yeah got a bit of a problem here sit down in regard to what in regard to your attitude toward us and our rapidly deteriorating attitude toward you i see i thought we had cleared things up but obviously not considering your last remark about the heroin what heroin the heroin that was sitting right over there that’s gone now oh that heroin that heroin is in the lockup right now where it will remain until it is needed in court after which it will be disposed of according to official police procedures i assume that you don’t believe me yes I do no I don’t think you do and I’d like to know why yeah I would really like to know i would like to know what kind of people you really think we are it’s not my place no no no come on come on feel free no no i insist well I just figure what you got here is you got a bunch of older guys pretty bitter about being stuck in some bush league precinct who’s got nothing better to do than figure out ways to line their pockets no come on really an hour telling you that that is not true is not good enough you all could be lying charming isn’t he i don’t know what else I can do you gave it your best shot just get in here and be quiet sergeant look I really feel that we can work this out by ourselves hey without bothering your superiors too late king I assume yeah picked him up in a bar over in Lexington he was uh pushing a little cocaine this time oh well we’ll put this with your heroin Mr king heroin hey man i don’t have any heroin okay man i got mine too hey shut up i don’t know who that is look more Joe mhm then I think narcotics may want to have a talk with him hey hey wait a second i don’t think we’ve considered all our options here what do you mean i mean I’m sure we can work out a solution to this problem that will be mutually beneficial come on King get off hold hold wait a minute what’ you have in mind i mean you got that other stuff of mine and this coke here is very high grade easy to sell I bet i got a key in my pocket uh may I go ahead this fits a safe deposit box it’s got $75,000 inside all I want to do is walk out of here let me see if I get this straight you’re offering us all that heroin and that cocaine $75,000 just to let you walk out of here well no thank you is that good enough for you yeah I think so you don’t want it no but it’s real nice of you to offer add attempted bribery to the charges oh nice guy i’m king dietrich you already got our ID run to vol well uh I guess I’m going see you around i hope uh everything works out for you yeah thanks look you hang in there you can kick that habit you’re a big talk i’m a non-smoker hey man i’m a heroin addict what’s that make you an expert goodbye Mr prior we’d love to have another crack at you blow it out your ear it’s just the nicotine talking goodbye Sergeant mr adlesen uh my card in case you ever decide to join the other side and in case you do that doesn’t bother me okay I’ll have him there in 20 minutes narcotics wants to see him right away so uh I’ll drop him off and then go home from there oh okay fine darcy uh it’s check out time you can split oh yes sir excuse me uh before everybody runs off I want to say something uh I guess we sort of got off on the wrong foot today which was my fault I think and uh I just want to say that uh I’m so looking forward to working with you guys because I think you’re good cops and I think I’m a good cop and I just hope that you’re going to give me a chance to prove it hey sure all right so listen anybody feel like having a bite to eat i don’t eat i wouldn’t mind ma’am right ahead 12 precinct dorsy yeah I’m still here who was that i don’t know but it sounded like that little guy from downstairs [Applause] [Music] hey little Evit where um where are we putting these oh I take it that’s your uh gift of love for a needy child uh-huh i guess you can put it over there next to mine oh so uh what exactly did you select for your lucky wretched urchin that’s just a little something that caught my eye oh well it’s a it’s a set of hand painted miniatures imported from Germany depicting the uh March of the Wooden Soldiers oh of course well look I mean it’s just that you know I mean when I saw it all laid out there in the store window with the uh little gingerbread houses the castle and forest and just row after row of these finely detailed draons and fuseliers i Well I just thought that some poor kid might really uh treasure that kind of old Bavarian craftsmanship for a lifetime so uh what’s in here same thing [Laughter] all right come on come on just Just a little further here we go right over here okay come on all right i think I can let go of your arm now anytime you’re ready bruno you’re on the way come on and you got nothing on me there’s no law that says a man can’t protect his store that’s what you said the last time I busted you well excuse me for being boring merry Christmas Bruno what’s the matter Miller huh you can’t let a year go by without dragging me in here apparently not bar wants you to meet Ed Pratkin pratkin hi Barn uh according to Bruno when he opened up his business this morning he found Edward in the middle of the campsite display with a sleeping bag under his arm well I was putting it back you were ripping me off bruno what’s uh what’s Bruno being arrested for same old stuff criminal possession of a dangerous weapon and assault with intent to barbecue well see when we got there you had Edward on the ground squirming around he was poking him in the ribs with this it’s a cattle prod i felt like I was hit by lightning come on a couple of hundred lousy volts my pigeon shrugged that off did you make a statement this way bird brain i I wasn’t trying to steal anything honest what were you doing sleeping h I’m usually up and out by 7:30 but I guess I forgot to set my alarm you telling me you’ve been living in my store only at night you can’t do that right not anymore uh Barn there’s a disturbance in an office building over on Hston uh you in Levit okay come on a little bit got a call thank you hey Carl what should I do with my present just stick it next to the box of Nazis [Applause] [Music] you know I really appreciate you guys busting me like this on Christmas Eve i mean it’s going to last up my whole day what are you going to do zap some carolers why not i mean if this night is supposed to be so silent what are they out there singing for i don’t know pette what I was thinking is the way uh the snow is coming down and everything uh it just be a lot cozier to have dinner at my place yeah okay good look I uh I got to go talk to you later bye so you got a place to live huh yeah I do you’re lucky yeah you know uh Edward it’s none of my business but it seems to me that that you’d save yourself a lot of trouble if you’ve checked into a mission or a flap house or or slept on a subway but that’s where the bums live i I I’m not I’m not a bum i mean I got a job and I don’t drink i like to read really yeah i I I have my own little place it’s cozy until uh uh they kicked me out who i guess the people that bought the building they kicked everybody out okay Mr kellig you want to step in here please why not i’m a hasband where else am I going to go love boat what uh sir this is Joseph Kellogg we picked him up at the Loving Touch Greeting Card Company running a muck at their annual Christmas party i was upset by the time we got there uh Mr kellogg was in the process of decking the halls with a barrage of deiled eggs while at the same time submerging Chris Kringle’s head in a punch bowl of highly spirited gro actually I had had a glass or two myself overdoing the holidays a bit Mr kellogg no they fired me i mean I I was standing in line waiting for Santa to give me my Christmas bonus and a fat slob handed me a sympathy card with a pink slip in it santa did that well you see Barn uh Mr kellogg writes those little poetic messages in greeting cards oh you do they don’t get there by themselves pal i mean I spent 25 years in that dusty cubicle alone at my desk composing lyrical verses and beautiful rhymes like “May the new year ring in joy and cheer to a wonderful wife who’s brought happiness to my life have a nice day.” I wrote that So you’re the one have a seat right yeah barn I finished uh processing Pride Comm okay i checked him for prior he’s clean fine and I don’t think he was trying to steal anything huh yeah see I I called the diner where he works it’s a dishwasher got a job he’s not a bum barn no his boss said that he may be a few bricks short of a full load but that he’s honest and he’s a hardworking person okay but Prideen tells me that him and about 50 other people got thrown out of this little $25 a week hotel that was their home and now they’re all on the street they they can’t find any place they can afford to live put your finger there so if you if you stop and think about it Barn you it’s all these marginal people you know out on the street just trying to survive sleeping in doorways trash bins wojo who did you call the guy from the from the Human Resources Administration okay good don’t play games with me Mark eddie yes can I help you so Eddie who eddie Prattkin you guys busted him this morning oh yeah yeah you his parents sam eddie linda i’m I’m in jail you are getting you out you think so oh sure hey Goofy what’s with the rejects turn it back up hey we weren’t talking to you take a hike Scuzzo you old mouse you scum hey everybody hey what the hell i’m in here and they’re out there get off Bruno knock it off what seems to be the problem hi Barn this is Sam and uh Linda they were my neighbors sir suddenly we seem to have a rather ugly situation brewing downstairs what’s going on a crowd of no less than 25 pathetic looking people have converged upon our precinct protesting the incarceration of Mr prattton you arrest our Eddie because he hasn’t got a home you arrest us all because we haven’t got a home wasn’t my idea [Applause] look Kogan just uh try and keep things calm down there okay all right guess we’re starting to pile up tell me oh great yeah there’s got to be what 60 of them at least i was talking to this pregnant woman she said “Word on the street is we’re given free room and board.” What rumors try and stop them look Mr bellinkoff bellenoff i don’t know what you and your friends are trying to accomplish by disrupting this precinct we are trying to make a point we We are human beings kept not some pile of old clothes to be thrown in the dust bin just because the styles have changed very well put i was a tailor he fixed these pants we appreciate your problem we We’ve got somebody coming down from the city right he said he was we will do everything we can to try and resolve the situation see that everybody gets a place we’ll see in the meantime I would appreciate it if you would come downstairs with me and see if we can get a handle on what’s going on down there dietrich you want to see if Miss uh Linda Linda wants a cup of coffee or something sure how do you take it just give me the sugar here we come with all the goodies here you go Barn where’d you get those vending machine downstairs it’s a good thing I had all those quarters we’ll talk about that later it’s party uh yes oh there’s no more room downstairs so we came up here oh um Barney uh company’s here uh sorry you want to just make yourselves at home over there please uh you can um you can sit here with me dear i don’t want to oh I’m looking for my husband Bruno Binder oh I’m so sorry everyone says that hey Naomi oh Bruno why aren’t you watching the star oh well when I heard you were in jail I just decided to close you what can I help you i’m Howard Wckler New York Human Resources Administration oh you’re just a bunch of do nothings we’ve talked right i uh take it you’re here in regard to all of the lonely people i guess so sir uh city’s here mr wckler oh how do you do i’m Captain Miller this is uh Sergeant Woitz yeah yes i think I spoke to one of you what seems to be the problem in case you haven’t noticed Mr wckler there are about a hundred people wandering around this station house who have no place to live is that all Captain at last count our department puts the number of homeless in this city at 50,000 50,000 you telling me that there’s a whole army of these bullos roaming around out there yes and you ain’t doing nothing about it well we we we are making every effort and why am I talking to you because I have to be a taxpayer sport oh no please your heart hey I’m talking here see you know I I I could have left at noon my office excuse me Mr bender yes you want to take care of your husband’s bail just go downstairs to see Sergeant Kogan oh thank you be right back Bruno take your time i’m having fun yes can I help you arthur Merch Loving Touch Greeting Cards Inc wishing for a most joyous holiday season to you and yours thank you guy at camp is in a cage oh good hello Kellogg minch I should have known pink slip and a sympathy cut that’s just your style come here what is the problem kellogg wasn’t Santa good to you what but with rampant unemployment the city clamping down on welfare psychiatric hospitals all of a sudden going nuts over who’s crazy enough to get in these factors only serve to aggravate our problem and dump even more of these people out on the street what’s that got to do with Mr bellenoff and Mr pratkin who were simply kicked out of their rooms nothing they’re just victims of J51 which is the city’s new tax abatement program it’s all part of New York’s plan to revitalize old neighborhoods you see with hefty tax incentives in hand real estate developers started to buy up dilapidated properties seedy hotels flop houses etc many with a splendid view of the river then gut them refurbish them and turn them into contemporary condominiums at 250 grand a pop apparently the city forgot about all those who were cut loose in the process a quarter of a million dollars who the hell can afford that well no I can’t i mean every night I got to slog home to that leaky cracker box up in Bridgeport backyard look like a rat’s nest garage is about to collapse wife keeps harping on me to panel the base mr wckler we’re talking about those people out there and their problems oh right right well what do you suggest here you go Eddie oh thanks Linda so uh you still working at the diner yeah I’m doing real good harry says maybe in a couple of months he’ll make me a bus boy then I’ll uh even get to share tips with the waitress hey that’d be great uh so you still on heroin now I quit that’s great you quit hooking too yeah pretty much guess maybe I got two things off my back that was kind of cute woman really well Mr worker We’re still thinking uh Barney under the uh circumstances I thought maybe I’d make a few calls the uh missions are all full up and the um Salvation Army is booked solid for the holidays wonderful actually everyone seems pretty well settled in around here let me make a few calls excuse me are you the one in charge of this madness right captain Miller who the hell are you arthur Mench loving touch greeting cards Inc oh yeah of course watch him he’s poisonous well sticks and stones however Captain the point is the greeting card industry has gone through a bit of a catharsis where once our main stay was the sentimental slop and turgid jingles at which Mr kellogg was so adept the markets have now splintered and we’ve become more specialized humor and pornography cards for singles and gays religious and ethnic groups hostages why are you telling me this i’m not quite sure at any rate where do I sign this is the complaint go ahead sign it show him what kind of a snake you really are okay hey you won’t pay me by one of your stinking cards me neither i write my own well whoopde-doo well Captain if there’s nothing more uh no i guess that’s it mr mitch have a merry Christmas thank you Captain good news hey unfortunately our armory in Brooklyn is filled to capacity however I did manage to scrape up an old correctional facility in the cat should accommodate everyone nicely cat skills of course you’ll all have to provide your own transportation wait a minute captain it’s all academic just got off the phone with dispatch city snowed in you’re kidding nothing’s moving cars buses they’re starting to sleep over at Grand Central even the trains aren’t getting out what but I live in Connecticut not tonight oh God i got it Bruno about time can we go now sure you can captain this is Naomi Bender Bruno’s wife really we were married just last month oh it wasn’t in the papers congratulations all right Bruno you’re out i’ll get your stuff see you Bruno it was nice sleeping your store yeah sure oh Bruno won’t this be nice our first Christmas together just you and me snowed in big turkey stuffed with sauerkraut just the way you like it here you go Bruno hey uh Miller why don’t you just turn Mr potato Head loose over there okay you telling me you’re dropping charges well he wasn’t trying to steal nothing right Eddie okay free to go Eddie that’s great where am I going i don’t know he’s coming home with me he is yeah why not i mean the little lady’s going to be spending half the night in the kitchen anyway and I got my choo choo set up in the den so uh why don’t you and Princess Grace here uh just I’ll head on over unless uh you got some other ideas guy can’t even get a cab sure it’s okay with your wife hey sure it is right Tuts oh yes i’d like that no one’s ever been over what about Sam eddie go ahead and enjoy yourself we all will be fine right here aren’t we Captain hey that’s a spirit Miller you’re all right [Music] anybody remember to unplug the coffee yeah I did oh thanks come on who took my pillow good night Harris merry Christmas Barb same to you WJ i usually sleep in a nude thank you Dietri [Applause] i’m Brad Laneir legal representative of Federated Paper Company division of McMillan Chemical say again i’m Brad Laneir legal representative of Federated Paper Company you make toilet paper yes we do your desk sergeant downstairs you can never get a roll started right i mean you always got to scratch and claw at it till it ends up in shreds is there Captain Miller here yeah uh Barney you know you people really ought to do something about that i’m in the legal department i really don’t know anything about that end of the business stop oh Prudin prudin yes i’m Captain Miller can I help you uh this is Mr laneir Barney he’s with the Federated Toilet Paper Company just paper federated paper company we’re division of McMillan Chemical they do make toilet paper but they don’t brag about it he’s their attorney one of them there are 57 of us 57 it’s a lot of lawyers well we’re a big firm oh but they got enough to keep you busy too huh oh yeah what can I do for you Mr lia the problem is a gradual erosion of respect for the free enterprise system and consequently the increasing attacks upon the corporate entities that are the backbone of that system i would say that’s out of our jurisdiction Mr okay how about vandalism and theft offices ransack files right that’s more like it well I was giving you a broader overall picture you know bringing in the social implications from a jurist prudent point of view i see have a seat Mr lir thank you how long has it been going on uh a week uh a week and a half do you have any idea who it might be he calls himself the Hawk the Hawk that’s the name that he scribbles on the wall every time he does one of these things is this yours uh no it sounds to me like you you’ve got a crusader on your hands probably protesting corporate corruption environmental pollution do you do you have anybody you you can think of who might have a personal motive somebody who has a grievance a grudge against the company no one in particular but um we have managed to put together or at least our computer has put together a list of people who might have some reason I mean in their own warped minds for wanting to get back at our company how many names you got on this list about 2,300 it’s more than Santa has a lot of disturbed people out there i should say so just come right come in come on come on got a robbery victim where right there funner sprawled in the street some creek came along and knocked her down took one of her bags okay come come in [Applause] she’s one of those shopping bag ladies you know that they live out there they don’t have a home they live in a street or in an alley this She’s been living in that doorway right next to Cotman’s liquor store you all right ma’am i think she’s dead what are you whispering for i think she’s dumb too i mean she can’t talk i know what the word means all right all right do what you can get whatever information you can we’re going uh over there and just sit down mr laneir if you’ll just step this way give the rest of your statement to uh Sergeant Harris [Applause] i’m trying to get her to talk to me on the way over here finally figured out she was deaf she talks whenever I go to Cotman she’s always there discussing uh the weather current events who too mostly the pigeons now studies done on these women have found that often they’re wholly unresponsive to outside overtures they exist totally in their own fantasy land it requires a subtle and psychological approach to get through it well then why don’t you try it hey lady lady I gave him my best shot anything stolen no not so far as we can tell but he turned over tables broke test tubes and destroyed the products we’ve been working on and what products are those just all sorts there’s There’s antifreeze and roach killers and soft drinks you make soda pop too yes [Music] [Laughter] [Music] now put that back that’s police property gee [Applause] what’ you do with my baseball come on my baseball where is it i think I have it oh well give it back to me hey nice move oh well thanks i uh I used to uh pitch a little in school had a 1.6 earned run average used to bat 420 no kidding yeah had an offer from the Mets and you wound up with a toilet paper company yeah well you know how mothers are yeah we through here uh yeah uh-huh oh hey Captain i’ve given your office all the information I can now the rest is going to be up to you we’ll do the best we can uh look here do you make the kind of soda that comes in those pop top cans is there anything else yeah look what I want to know is how come them suckers is always snapping off in your hand and then you end up with a bunch of junk and no way to get at it just something had to be said barney uh Barney I got a couple of possibilities on our hawk oh good what do you got oh uh it’s just some uh some guys who’ve been um busted before for harassing corporations you know power companies sad case huh yeah Barney they’re such tragic cases those ladies you know and you see them all the time you know sitting in doorways all alone those tacky old dresses looking at you like a lost dog yeah but you know they can really blow your whole day she is picking through that trash why are they always picking through the trash mick would you keep an eye on her sure thank you would you care for a cup of coffee [Laughter] everybody says that identification on it it’s a driver’s license dispatch just got a call from McMillan Chemical somebody’s out on a ledge at the 40th floor doing what he’s writing on the side of the building oh he’s not a jumper unless it’s a suicide note you Nick let’s go Nick okay jeez you call this coffee [Applause] and uh the guy was uh about 25 and he was about my height right yeah but not your build he was skinny there’s not enough meat on him [Laughter] i got to know how old you are 61 i turned 45 in 61 45 and 61 61 you’re 16 and 45 that’s 61 right me and my late husband went on a cruise to Bermuda that year uh last permanent address i’m saving up to take another trip maybe next winter that sounds nice you want to go um me uh no i I got to work [Laughter] they’re the ones you want to arrest they’re the ones you want to be in jail calm down Mr don’t arrest me for God’s sake i mean I’m on your side take it easy that’s Mr alvin Trager Captain this is our hawk he’s a window washer for the building and I seen it all the midnight conferences the secret shreddings they’re all maniacs never in my whole life have I seen such obscenity and filth on a building how long you been out of town that’s evidence that’s proof of how they’re poisoning us these are the property of McMillan chemical and we like them back please you’re killing us with your chemicals hey hey I’m just a lawyer they’re killing us with their lawyers too it’s evidence Mr well Lenir has been impounded but uh everyone’s rights will be respected in the meantime why don’t you have a seat and uh Sergeant Harris will help you swear out a complaint i want to fill out a complaint too they should be glad to help you have a seat Mr trigger you heard about the DBCP i mean the men who worked in the plants where they make it now they find out they can’t have children they’re all sterile take it easy will you Mr trigger doesn’t anybody care how would you like to be impotent oh no thanks bonnie you should have seen what he was doing up there he was spray painting a letter on each one of the windows it was like a giant filthy cross word puzzle people love word gates i copied it down you know for the evidence thank you we caught him uh before he was quite finished uh you can see that he was in the middle of a a seven window word on the 39th floor across very good i’ll uh myself they’re murderers don’t you understand they’re fouling everything they touch the rivers the oceans the sky itself the man is out of his mind we are one of the most ecologically responsible companies in this whole state every living thing you see is covered with filth and stinks of contamination you’re just speaking figuratively Mrs hirs i just I can’t let her go back there out on the street what What’s she going to do when winter comes i thought she taking it to Bermuda i ain’t going to Bermuda don’t you i’ve got just as much compassion for the lady as you do but I have respect for her as a person with dignity and the right to choose the way she wants to live i just that I I feel like uh if I could help her it would make up for her make up for what well I guess that has sort of to do with my mother you know i mean that caused her a lot of pain which we all do growing up no I’m I’m talking about at birth i weighed 11 12 lb my mother was in labor for 13 hours that’s not your fault of course it is you got a problem my death will be the ultimate proof mr ah don’t move i’ll swallow i’m not moving nobody’s moving afternoon male gentlemen not now Levit like I’m at a bad time sir mr trigger’s threatening to kill himself that’ll hold him out for a while good idea just hang loose pardon the expression this is not going to accomplish anything red die number two i’ll be dead from cancer in 30 years and it’ll be on your head put him in a cage right come on uh Captain look i’ I’ve signed the complaint is anything else i’d certainly still in there you know I uh I really do enjoy being in the law i’m sure it has its rewards cuz you know I mean baseball what can you expect i mean hopefully you make the majors maybe be in a series but you see on the other hand on in law you can go all the way and end up on a Supreme Court you know respected revered influential it’s true of course Warren Burger will never be on a bubble gum card that’s true too yeah well goodbye well well what do I go now just [Applause] Yeah you can go on listen now wait a minute you uh you take care of yourself huh you too good luck Mrs position [Applause] this here belongs to you [Applause] okay uh keep it you know it can be a sort of a a keep safe yeah but no Bermuda no [Applause] are you still working on that i almost had it on but I’m stuck with this word across the 42nd floor i thought I’d know every dirty word there was but nothing seems to fit whatever it is it’s probably something that only a twisted and demented mind could come up with any ideas [Laughter] [Laughter] it fits hey engine room hey what’s the matter with you guys it’s 26° up here hey I wasn’t meant for this type of temperature baby oh my blood’s turning to slush hey don’t give me energy crisis man how would you like it if we quit and left your loved ones unprotected very well put hey baby it is cold up here 12 pri no speaking let me have the address yeah well if you don’t get some heat up here we’re going to start breaking up the furniture and burning it bye the kid that stuck up that liquor store the other day the owner thinks he recognized him we better to check it out okay there’s 6 in of snow in the streets it’s freezing out there it’s worse in here now I know why a penguin walks so funny pour me a cup of coffee will you cream and sugar doesn’t matter i’m going to sit in it hey you want to see something funny come in the toilet hey what you been doing writing on the walls again the water in the in the sink is frozen and a bunch of ants are crossing the ice and they’re slipping and falling all over the place come on hey man you got a weird sense of humor you know that what’s going on around here are you thinking this kind of weather business would be slow the armored car drivers and the guards are still on strike money’s piling up faster in the stores than garbage in the streets burglaries armed robberies aggravated assaults yeah and every dude with a gun or a knife or a pointed stick is out there trying to seek his fortune a civilization huh okay come on stand over there what do we got here lasher exposing himself at a bus stop in this weather did you ever hear anything so disgusting hey man it’s 10° out there tell me about it some filthy habit huh pervert degenerate that’s me a number one okay Mr farber you got one phone call would you make a phone call if you were me what am I supposed to do brag about it you better call a lawyer i am a lawyer then you better call a doctor what for i don’t need a doctor i need an executioner okay Mr fab you want to step in through the gates please oh and uh keep your hands away from your coat huh good lock me up keep me away from decent people take it easy Mr faber everything’s going to be all right sure Mr polyiana you think this is like giving up smoking i’ve been to the finest medical minds in the world and they all told me the same thing father you’re filthy it’s that simple uh J uh call Belleview tell them we got a prune Danish to go oh yeah put it over there on the desk hey Barney where do you see what we got here seagull’s department store hasn’t been able to make a deposit for a week so they asked us to keep their receipts and keep till morning i said “Okay.” Is it okay well your hoets we’re working on half shift we can’t babysit somebody’s payroll an employee told Mr secretly he heard they were being set up for a ripoff they’d like to avoid trouble but yeah I’ve never seen so much money in my whole life take a look happy birthday to me how much is in there 216,480 odd dollars oh 80 odd aren’t you sure well when you’re loaded what’s a few bucks more or less that is more less is what I take home every week somebody put it in the safe i got I sign for All right then it’s your responsibility but get at it we got a lot of work to do you know what the people at the bus stop called me a sicky sticks and stones Mr father that’s a very old model you’re not kidding they don’t make them like they used to what’s the combination of this thing i forget it again one to the left two to the right three to the left four to the right that’s the way to do the velocity drag [Applause] [Laughter] belgree psychiatric division ah this is Sergeant Police Department yeah who am I speaking to please miss Sanchez right we got a patient for you here at the 12 precinct yeah yes Miss yeah a male Caucasian between 40 and 50 years old yes miss yeah in this exposure tonight at a bus stop that’s right in the snow can you believe that Miss Sanchez well I can’t understand how it would makes a guy do something like that no kidding rejection when he was a baby no kidding breastfeeding no kidding me no I was a bottle baby sure i would remember something like that no kidding you like dancing too Miss Sanchez hey why don’t you let me give you a hand with that i don’t need no help it’s my responsibility i mean it’s my money sort of till tomorrow morning anyway live baby hey come on your man we better check out that liquor store heist huh it’ll be nice to get outside where it’s warm okay Miss Sanchez i will have the forms right goodbye hey Fish you wouldn’t believe what makes a guy like that do what he does man it’s the weather when it gets damp and cold people get depressed irritable and unpleasant in the winter Scandinavia has more lunatics per capita than any other country in the world you’re kidding bernice is Scandinavian but only on her mother’s side she usually cheers up around the middle of February fish uh Cho huh did you call Belby yeah I got in touch with him excuse me may I show you something i’d rather you didn’t if you don’t mind there was a time when if you wanted someone to notice you all you had to show them was a little courtesy yeah what about the night shift they’re going to make it i don’t think so the guys who live in Long Island can’t get to Manhattan well that means the guys who live in Manhattan can’t get to Long Island right why don’t we call Long Island and have them keep the guys who can’t get to Manhattan and we’ll keep the guys who can’t get to Long Island they tried it once and they didn’t like it it made too much sense it’s going to be a long night yeah take a look at that we got a kick out of Hey Bonnie this is marvelous deputy Inspector there’s a slim chance of anything out like that happening but it’s kind of a kick to see it in an official publication deputy Inspector i know guys who have been on the force 30 40 years have never even been considered for a job like this take me for instance i’m proud i’m going to put this on the boat no no no no don’t say anything don’t Don’t tell anybody we’re just causing a lot of excitement over nothing i haven’t even told Liz deputy Inspector Barney Miller a lot of thrill it’s a thousand to one shot the 12th won’t be the same without you come on i’m not going anywhere i’m going to miss you fish there are five precinct captains who’ve got more time in the on the force than I do we’re all going to miss you it’s Cook leads uh Stevenson Ror and Burns and Carichel you know what politics and seniority mean in a in a in a appointment like this i got a feeling you’re going to make it come on that’ll be ridiculous carmichael who’s Carmichael i can’t get any more in the safe that’s what I call a glassy problem must be $100,000 here in small bills where am I going to put it how about beach property in San Juan can’t leave this stuff sitting around here till morning oh man do you know what the interest is on $100,000 from now until morning i’m telling you we are blowing a very big opportunity i apologize that’s okay i apologize to the entire world on behalf of the entire world I accept your What else i want to go to the men’s room why didn’t you say so i want to suffer but I don’t want to wet my coat all right hurry up you don’t want to miss your ambulance i’m not fit to be around human beings come on come come hey fish what would you do if you had all this money i take a trip around the world i send Benise a few bucks and postcards she loves picture postcard i got an interesting question yeah what’s that why would a flasher close the door to the bathroom the hell was that i think it was a wolf it’s the rotten plumbing mr farber are you through bob is in the bathroom doesn’t sound like he feels too good farmer j give me a hand what’s going on Fish wojo help cho what’d he do try to electrocute himself put one finger in the light socket and one foot in the toilet bowl [Applause] no kidding i didn’t know he was that tall come on Barney i’m sorry i I think he’s dead taking a prisoner to the bathroom is a professional obligation not a social function i didn’t think he could hurt himself in the toilet but look up your statistics toilets are very high up in the statistics maybe in the car in his office that’s all right if I was in a hurry I wouldn’t be calling you man i sure hate for something like this to happen all right all right there’s nothing you can do about it now fill out the coroner’s report yes sir this is Detective Fish 12th Priesthood look uh we got a customer suicide electrocution in the men’s room men’s room right light socket and the toilet bowl very imaginative yeah okay Junior get it in here hey it’s freezing in here ever since we washed the furnace we can’t do a thing with it some dump but in all I was coming here i’d have resisted arrest hold on i take it all back hey who left petty cash laying out all over the desk sloppy sloppy barney barney I ain’t sure but I think he’s alive what are you talking about i put a mirror under his nose and I think it’s fogged a little who the hell are those guys from Bel i’ll try him again hello Tyrina i’m going to put you on hold what happened the Flasher committed suicide but very badly he’s alive i bet you anything’s alive make some room over there oh yeah keep warm put anything on your coats anything got a pulse not much but it’s there harris oh come on bullets hey this is more clothes than this dude’s had on in his life ready uh I think he’s turning blue oh man don’t turn blue man he don’t look too blue does he yeah he looks pretty blue to me oh Barney you’re not blowing hard enough man wait a minute i lost his pulse over here over here all right step aside we’ll take care of everything i got a puss i got a puss that a boy Barber come on baby charlie the oxygen what’s all our money on the desk payday charlie i didn’t know cops make that kind of money we’re very good cops how’s he look he seems to be fine his heart stopped i had to hit him in the chest with my fist yeah I think you saved his life and I know you broke his ribs seemed to be the thing to do at the time it was a good decision you’d make a good doctor of course you’d make a lot less money hey he looks pretty good doesn’t he yeah he didn’t look that good to begin with precinct sergeant hey Barney it’s a corner’s office they’re still on hold tell him to forget it forget it the guy is still alive sorry hey you know this guy has nothing on under his coat he’ll be delighted you noticed hey engine room what’s the matter with you guys down there turn the heat down the humidity is murder up here we can’t even get the stamps to stick to the envelopes i wish I can say the same for my shorts very well put release those guys from the 14 and say thank you we’ll do while you’re at it call downstairs see if you can turn down the steam all my papers are curling up yeah yeah you should have seen what someone roast downstairs in the snow miss China stopped by at Belleview to have breakfast with a nurse captain Miller can I see you a moment please we found that wife Peter at a bar on Third Avenue he looked worse than she did she’ll never press charges she won’t but he will yes what can I do for you there seems to be an error what kind of error easy one there’s no error mr will Jehoet signed for $216,487 yeah somewhere in there exactly in there $216,487 $26 all right you counted it what’s the problem there’s exactly $5,000 missing $5,000 that’s impossible maybe you ought to count it again i’ve counted three times that right Pete that’s correct i counted it too it’s a bundle short fish count it harris you watch fish pete you watch harris [Music] hold your ho check out the safe again no there’s nothing to say for you hey come on you guys stop clowning around this ain’t funny come on fish harris hey man will you ma don’t look at me i don’t touch this stuff i’m an addict come on check out the other desk will you yeah your ho check out that safe again channel’s missing check out the safe again mr gross there was a lot of excitement here last night the money could have been misplaced or got buried under some of this official litter have you ever misplaced $5,000 before Captain at once in a Monopoly game barring there’s nothing in safe but 30 cash oh $16 and that’s for two weeks 75,000 80,000 85 what are you up to Fish 90,000 95,000 come careful now 100,000 $105,000 $17,000 I’ll never pay it off $714 a month $714750 Hey fish 5,000 I see it anyway there’s nothing on these desks oh Joe are you certain when you signed this money out at Seagulls it was all there yeah I’m sure i’m sure where the hell could it have gone i don’t know Barney harris you were standing right there when I was putting in the safe hey you wouldn’t let me help you remember you said it was all yours you said that figure of speech Mr gross detective Jehoitz probably felt personally responsible for the money he is personally responsible for the money you hear that Harris hey man don’t look at me if I needed any extra money I’d do windows hey hey hey fellas look what I got from Miss Sanchez man you’re in the wrong business where the hell did she get that she got it from Mr farmer’s coat yeah seems like when you guys took him out of here he had just enough strength to steal it well there’s hope for him yet at least he’s given up suicide yeah but he’s taking up stealing one step at a time gross count it please thank you Captain i knew I didn’t lose 400 800 1,200 never took my eyes off 2,100 2,200 2,700 stage a couple hundred years 100,000 200 400 precinct sergeant amana gay’s right here Barney it’s for you it’s the commissioner I’ll take it to my office congratulations Barney congratulations for what Bonnie is up for deputy inspector way how about that it’s all here thank you very much gentlemen wait a minute wait a minute sign this it’s my pleasure hey is he taking that money out of here yeah and it’s about time hey you what stick them up don’t be ridiculous you’re in jail you don’t even have a gun i don’t care stick them up what a night all right you guys got your final reports ready no yeah here’s mine anybody else almost well for what the commissioner what’d he say oh Carmichael got it carmichael oh I I knew I wasn’t going to get it carmichael’s got four years on me he’s a good man Carmichael i’m sorry Bonnet don’t be silly here you go will you guys cut it out come on now i knew I knew I wasn’t going to get it i didn’t expect it there’s always next year [Applause] get that fixed will you [Applause] [Music] 14th Street and 9th that’s where they’re going to have the heist hey Barney somebody left this package for you at the desk downstairs from Seagulls they gave me a credit application nice of them if it was it’s probably for all of you guys no it’s addressed to you to Captain Barney Miller with grateful appreciation of all your efforts on my behalf lyall W farber attorney at law [Applause] this is funny ain’t it what’s that there’s no weather report in the paper maybe we ain’t going to have any must be the spray cans you know that the weatherman can’t see through all that underarm deodorant up in the clouds well cruise man look at this Harris now we got to pull all the catalytic converters off the squad cars oh wow we just put them on there got to take them off seems they’re eating up too much gas hey look what’s more important preventing smog or conserving energy last month America wanted to live this month it wants to go to the mountains is that guy still in there ah that that dude is tearing the bathroom up man he makes $22 an hour he makes more than the commissioner he’s got a more important job than the commissioner [Applause] hey yeah hey man how much longer are you going to be in there i don’t know but you’re in pretty bad shape you got salt water coming out of the sink hey look where we getting salt water from i don’t know but it’s turning brown oh well then it must be from the Atlantic Ocean cuz the Hudson River is black hey uh I also found a hat in your toilet finders keepers [Applause] hey you all right i’m getting dizzy going up and downstairs all morning the only toilet that works in this building is on the first floor how many times you been up and down let me see i had uh I had three cups of coffee here and uh so that’s uh five trips you know you better have a doctor to look at your kidneys i did see a doctor he said it would be easier to fix the toilet okay i really am sorry to be causing such trouble yeah yeah uh get over there will you what do you got here he’s a phony priest barn he was out in front of the bank hustling Bibles hustling Bibles you sure well he uh didn’t have any ID Barney and uh no permit and if there’s anything that ticks me off it’s a guy that uses God to rip off the public all I did was offer Bibles in exchange for a small donation to the church call him what church what church the church of the street pardon me i’m not familiar with that particular denomination it’s non sectarian for all of those whose inclination is to pray informally out there in the street barney he’s operating a floating church look at this gideon Bibles huh the uh Hotel Breth the Alangquin Hotel the high hat in Taco New York wherever people wish to worship where did you uh where’d you get these Bibles M uh what do they call you father Paul they can’t call you father cuz you’re not a Catholic priest but I am a father i guess that means uh you have children exactly have a seat uh father in Warjo huh i mean uh better check it out i’m not even too sure there’s been any laws broken barney probably swiped them Bibles they could have been donated he’s making a con out of religion are you sure the Church of the Street Barn nowadays people need a lot of help better check it out see if there is such a place as the Church of the Street somewhere oh a barn where do I look try the yellow pages page can I help you yes i’d like to see the man in charge well that’ll be Captain Miller but he’s a little busy right now uh will you take a seat thank you i’m going downstairs to the bathroom anyone uh need anything downstairs on the first floor 12 present fish yes ma’am describe the screen quickly [Applause] i had a meeting this morning the Internal Revenue Service how’d you make up make up i won beautiful oh yeah yeah i’m not going to prison and they’re going to let me live but very poorly what’s the priest doing here i don’t know i guess capital punishment is getting big again well I say he’s not a priest oh yeah yeah i say he’s a ripoff artist but uh Barney told me I got to check him out so that’s what I’m doing you know something if you’re not a priest you ought to be ashamed of yourself and if you are a priest Good morning Father [Applause] can I help you no thanks can I help you no thank you everything that can be done has been done any uh any coffee left you’re sure a glutton for punishment how long are you going to be fooling around in there fooling around fooling around that is the worst bathroom I’ve ever been in you know that i don’t remember what it looks like sure i know you guys are always making jokes about plumber but when you’re in trouble who’s the first guy you call huh who the guy in the cage looks like Captain Mill is going to be tied up for a while uh are you sure there isn’t something I can do for you Mr uh Weber george Weber yes i’d like some uh some warrants uh issued who do you want arrested well first of all the governor of the state of New York oh you too have there been other requests oh two three times a week well I’ve got a list here of accompllices before and after the fact you know Fish I expect to pay for the privilege of living in this great country of ours but I will not be entirely disallowed i didn’t let you deduct anything not one of my entertainment expenses how about on behalf of the New York Police Department who did you entertain in behalf of the New York Police Department fish I have access to certain avenues of information that uh have to be entertained once in a while governor the mayor city council that’s what he said i was going to call Belleview but you said uh never jump to conclusions check it out did you i would have if it was just the mayor but the governor that’s big time that’s more your level you’re right hey man aren’t you uh a little warm with that coat on yeah it’s a little well look um why don’t you take it off you know make yourself comfortable all right thank you well you have uh kept you waiting Mr weber i’m Cat Miller don’t get up [Applause] uh Mr weber that appears to be a belt of dynamite sticks you’re wearing that’s what it is Captain Miller and this is a detonator two or three ounces of pressure and the belt will explode and I dare say blow up the whole building building goes up you go up with it that’s the whole point what would that accomplish just maybe somebody would pay attention to me i’m paying attention aren’t we all paying attention [Music] so why don’t you just put down the detonator and take off the belts no well then wear it wear it it looks wonderful you put your faith in somebody and they just make a fool of you i am sick and tired of being lied to and robbed and poisoned that’s the wrong way Mr weber first try a divorce i’m not married i’m talking about politics it’s the wrong way there too Mr weber elections barney’s right Mr weber i You can’t put someone else in office if you blow up your vote elections protests demonstrations these are cries in the wind don’t you breathe the air out there we try to keep it down to a minimum Mr well then read the papers millions of people doomed to extinct trapped starved no clean water living in filth i agree with you the world’s in terrible condition i’m talking about New York City we try to set an example does anybody care does anybody do anything we care we don’t we care now we’re going to do something mr weber we’re going to do something right now uh Sergeant Yman I want you to type out a warrant for the arrest of the governor of New York State uh Jenner you take the mayor let me take the mayor you guys split up the city council harris I want you to get on the phone to the district attorney’s office you tell them we want action right captain Miller you and I both know that you you can’t really arrest all those people now don’t be such a pessimist Mr weber how are we doing come on how we doing well I just reached the DA’s office he said they’re going to move Barney see Mr weber don’t you mr weber we’re getting a lot of action for you Mr weber oh sure why not i’d like to leave the room so would I it’s the coffee it’s the coffee bonnie uh yeah um Mr weber I wonder if it would be possible for Sergeant Fish to use the men’s room downstairs i don’t suppose it makes any difference it does to me i have a condition Mr weber and between the coffee and and and your and your Here it is Bonnie a warrant for the governor’s arrest um it’s all in there the violence corruption thievery he’ll get five to 10 i swear here’s my warrant here here’s three more i got the red on bonnie this is going to shake up pretty good downtown mr weber you watch see Mr what happened we are convinced that you are committed to a course of action and we are going to do everything we can to help you now I have one request i would like to clear the building that’s all right with me i don’t want to hurt anybody oh good fine okay you guys clear the upstairs uh channel get that plumber out of the john finally he ain’t fixed it yet take the first plumber come on get out of here hey I’ll be through come on now go on oh come on huh i mean you guys are all alike the minute you go into golden time somebody pulls the plug there’s a guy here who’s got a load of dynamite oh listen you got to use a snake you’ll ruin the pipes with dynamite he’s going to blow himself up you want to go with him huh oh my god just let me get my tools hurry up okay would you wait a minute i just want to get my tools excuse me if everybody’s leaving uh Rojo take Father Paul and uh take him over to 27 father Paul and Captain Miller I I’d like for the priest to stay would you mind well me what for i’d like you to hear my confession i heard you when you were talking to him [Applause] i’d like to have final absolution you got it thank you so Mr weber this guy ain’t no priest i mean his absolution ain’t worth the paper it’s printed on well I don’t have very much time i guess I’ll just have to risk it you’re going to be all right you want a Bible you got any shame it’s on me oh thank you won’t you find yourself a new Dodge i mean you know religion is sacred to some people i got about $140 coming to me send us a bill here to the station house yeah yeah but suppose it ain’t here mr buckman your life is in danger i mean money can’t be that important to you if it wasn’t important I wouldn’t have become a plumber mr buckman we don’t have $140 huh see we have to we have to make out a requisition and then it has to go down to police headquarters and then it goes to the controllers’s office if the controllers’s office okays it then it goes to borrow Accounting then it comes back to me for my approval and signature and then finally they get paid that’s the way the system works yes I know bonnie’s building’s clear all right take off good luck Mr weber bonnie uh you go i’ll stay bonnie you’re not stay it’s all right it’s all right mr weber said he doesn’t want doesn’t want anyone hurt so as long as I’m here nothing’s going to happen right this Bible is in Hebrew get downstairs man the bomb squad and the emergency service you wonderful i want to try to convince Mr weber that there’s a better way also I confess I’ve grown fond of this building captain you’d better go too wait a minute wait a minute you’re not going to convince him look at his eyes huh take off you know Mr weber you got one heck of a lot of nerve i mean if you want to knock yourself off fine but why don’t you find yourself an empty lot or condemned building or someplace where you can’t hurt anybody what’d you have to come over here for you got one heck of a lot of nerve that That detonator may be sensitive to loud noises you have one heck of a lot of money captain he just doesn’t understand sergeant Among is a very emotional man he has a high regard for human life he doesn’t like to see it wasted well that’s how I feel that’s why I’m doing this don’t you see no i I I I’m trying to understand your position but I must admit I’m a little confused Mr weber corruption treachery fighting in the streets pollution there’s nowhere to hide you’re not supposed to hide you’re supposed to try to make it better no it’s too late no it’s never too late it’s all over for us Captain it’s not all over that’s the easy way survival is tough but it goes on all it takes is a little determination a little courage and a little faith faith in what in human nature in science in technology in man’s initiative what about that that sea of sludge waiting out there 20 miles off the coast of Long Island breeding every disease known to mankind in a few years it’ll be here there’s nothing we can do about it also helps to have a little faith in the Gulf Stream it’s hopeless it’s not hopeless it’s not hopeless stop saying that i mean if you don’t have any faith you might as well give it all up hold it let me rephrase that captain you’d better get out of here i want to go through with this commitment while I still have the nerve okay if you feel the world is coming to an end if you feel we’re all facing final extinction and you don’t have the guts to do something about it you just push that button huh just give me a couple of minutes to get out of here oh of course no forget about us Mr weber forget what I said about this building listen maybe we’ll get a new building with some decent plumbing for a change i thought Mr bachmann fixed it you don’t have any faith in mankind you have faith in plumbers just forget about it Mr weber forget about us don’t worry about us if this is the only commitment you’re stupid enough to make push it you don’t have to be insulting i’m sorry go ahead walk out i’m only willing to sacrifice myself for the good of humanity what do I need with a little courtesy h Don’t be so thin skinned thin skin thin skin you call me a man comes up here out of honesty and concern offering to blow himself to pieces and you can’t even control your temper i I’m sorry i uh I got a little annoyed i had a lot of things go wrong earlier in the day forget about it it was just another disappointment but I thought I thought you understood what I was talking about oh you put your faith in somebody you just get another kick in the behind it’s not true true i’ll tell you what’s true none of you worth saving it’s not true oh you’ll find out you’ll find out one day you’ll lay your life on the line and see who appreciates it nobody that’s who you’ll find out you can’t trust anybody to do anything i’ll take my chances oh big deal your ch I’m wearing the belt what chances you’re just like everybody else a lot of talk and no action you’re just another coward a coward a coward huh now you’ve gone too far Mr give me the belt give me the belt okay okay wise guy oh baby are you in for it now wait till they start to kick you around wait mock you disappoint you tear your heart out wait refuse to answer your call boom hello yeah yeah cho it’s okay have you got an aspirin uh yeah cho uh would you send somebody up to uh diffuse this thing yeah thank you yeah China everything’s okay up here everything’s okay out there you know things could be a lot better there’s salt water coming out of that cooler [Applause] anything I can do bonnie Fish do you know that there’s a sea of sludge off the coast of Long Island 40 miles square yeah I read about it and it’s coming to New York it’ll be here in a few years doesn’t that worry you a little

Barney Miller Full Episode 2025 🐤🐤 Examination Day 🐤🐤 American Sitcom Series
Barney Miller Full Episode 2025 🐤🐤 Examination Day 🐤🐤 American Sitcom Series

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名探偵コナン Ep 6125 – Full HD

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